How one puppy overcame her addiction, and how you can too!

Written by Irie the Jackahuahua

I’m going to tell you the truth, okay chicas y chicos? I’ve been doing the stuff since I was just a little chiquitica baby in my mami’s paws. That’s right, I would do anything to get to it, that white stuff. Y que? Don’t judge me you bola de mutts! I’m a little pup you know, but don’t let the cute droopy ear and button nose fool you, ‘ay? I’m a tough puppy, been to the puppy pen and everything. That’s right, caged up and left behind till my human mami and papi adopted me.

When they brought me home I didn’t know how to tell them sabes? They looked at me, just three months old, so sweet, so innocent. But, I had the shakes. Hadn’t had a fix in days and here I was free at last. I wanted to be so good, I swear! But, when you get out of that place you just can’t help yourself, especially when the white stuff’s everywhere in these human houses! It calls your nombre, whispers to you when the humans aren’t looking, “Iriiiie… Monaaa… come put me in your mouth. I’m so delicious. I make your teeth feel so good. I smell like doggie heaven.”

The humans just don’t understand! In un momento you are mami and papi’s angel and in the next, when you’re on the stuff eres como Kujo! You can’t have just one hit, you have to have two, three, sometimes five all at once surrounding you like clouds of white, fluffy, happy shots of smelly goodness and you think, “How could I ever live without you? Never will I ever leave you again my little white friends! Booooow woooooow!”

My name is Irie, and I’m a Sockaholic. I should clarify: I was a sockaholic. Red socks, black socks, dress socks, knee-high, ankle-length, embroidered, rainbow-colored children’s socks. I am embarrassed to admit it perritos, but I’ve tried them all. But be honest, haven’t you?

Our kind, puppy pals, have an unfortunate disposition towards sock addiction. I know you feel me homedoggies, you watch as the laundry arrives, gets spread out onto the bed and your eyes are fixated on that pile of white deliciousness. The white cotton ones are my sock of choice: easy access, always in season, siempre an abundance available.

You might feel helpless as every day that passes you try desperately to be the cute, adorable puppy your mami and papi believe you are. Don’t fret mis perrito amigos, because when things get out of control you can turn to Sockaholics Anonymous. There, I learned five easy steps to taking back my life. Follow these steps for a surefire way to get tons of belly rubs from your human:

1. Andale my puppies, admit that you are powerless over those lovely socks. Make the choice to turn your pup vidas around, and let your humans restore you to sanity.

2. Perritos, take an inventory of chew toys and biscuits that surround you in plentitude. Heed your humans when they tell you that these, not the socks, belong in your mouth.

3. Cachorritos, gather those socks you have harmed (the de-threaded, the saliva-soaked, the holey ones) and ask them to forgive you your wrongs.

4. Amigos, roll onto your backs, paws in the air, tongue to the breeze, and like Tyra Banks says “smile with your eyes”. Your human will know that you are good at heart.

5. And lastly perritos, when the urge overtakes you, lie in meditation and remember the big piece of bacon that awaits you if you are good.

Practice this every day my puppies and you’ll see how the need for the white stuff leaves you. Besos y abrazos my little friends, and remember, when times are tough you’ve got to keep your snout up.

Irie LaMona (The Little Doll) is a 7-month-old mixed breed, bilingual Jack Russell Terrier/Chihuahua adopted from the South Los Angeles Animal Shelter. Still a puppy, she aspires to one day host her very own show, and be the Oprah of mixed breed pups around the world!